Speak Out Story: Discriminated Against for Becoming my Real Self
Rachael is a 52-year-old intersex woman born with Mixed Gonadal Dysgenesis. Her gender, as it was for others born intersex, was assigned to her and she spent most of her life appearing to others as a male despite being a female. When Rachael finally started the journey towards revealing her true self, she started noticing how much harder it was to be accepted in the workplace, even by those she had known for some time. As a former banking executive, her workplace was already rife with elitism but what she experienced both surprised and disappointed her.
Nowadays Rachael uses her earlier career as a management specialist to bring meaningful change to the modern D&I focused workplace. This is a very personal and surprising insight into her journey.
Discrimination sucks!
There is no other phrase that works, fits, makes sense, adds any logic, or simply, justifies the issue.
I should know, I have seen it enough times, but not always from the victim’s side.
Imagine being female but everyone believed you were male: that was me. You see, I am intersex, I have the genetic pattern 46, XO. In 1968, when I was born, we were assigned genders. I had small ‘male’ genitalia, so I had to be male, that was the way it worked. A stranger decided for me and set the pattern for my life, even after the truth came out.
I was 21, in the UK forces and I suddenly had to be rushed off Dartmoor into surgery due to an unforeseen medical issue. After I woke up from the procedure, I could tell something wasn’t right. Everyone was talking in hushed tones, whispering, and the atmosphere was a little awkward.
Nobody knew what to say to me. I had just had an emergency hysterectomy, one of my ovaries had ruptured. There I was, this aggressive, male, fighting machine that had just undergone a women’s emergency surgery. Eventually, the surgeon came in, shut the door to my room, and explained what had happened. He had already spoken to the authorities and they were going to allow me to resign from the forces without any fuss, provided I left voluntarily. I had no choice but to do just that.
So, off I went into the big, bad world with a prescription for testosterone in hand, the weight of the expectation to conform to a gender I did not identify with – the one I was assigned by the doctor at birth – on my shoulders.
Over the next 25 years, I struggled with my identity. Deep down, I knew I was female, not male, with both sets of genitalia. In that quarter of a century, I saw how men behaved. How they stared, commented, judged, scored, and valued women. When it went too far, and I asked them to stop but, overall, I tried to fly below the radar.
I watched as more than capable female colleagues were passed over for promotions, with the excuse they were either too focused on their family or they were going to have kids soon and will not be as committed to their work as a man.
According to the male managers, those women should have been more than grateful already to be receiving maternity pay, especially since, in those men’s opinion, their performance wasn’t as good as their male counterparts.
As this discrimination was going on, my career was taking the opposite turn. I reaped the benefits of male privilege and received rapid promotions, six-figure salaries, and bonuses, I rose to become a COO. To everyone, I was an ex-force, alpha-male, success story, but the truth was eating me alive. Not only was I not an alpha-male, but I also wasn’t even male. I had infiltrated the enemy’s camp, but I felt like anyone could discover I was an impostor at any time.
Knowing I was different had its price to pay, I felt I was never entitled to happiness, to normality.
I was married twice; I revealed my medical history to my spouse, we tried to manage it, however, both times it cost me my marriage. I was the lesbian, they thought they’d married a male. Restarting each time was difficult, I tried to suppress who I was, but some things you simply cannot hide.
I tried three times to end my life but each time I failed. Nothing seemed to really change, I was patched up, spoke to counsellors, and left to get on with things. I met my current wife, to whom I said nothing about my condition, and she accepted that my manhood was medically limited but loved me and did not worry about it. I was still her husband.
Eventually, it got too much, I broke down and told her the truth. We rode a rollercoaster for months, she considered her options, weighted up the cost, and decided to stand beside me as I dealt with my issues and accepted my gender. I could not live as a male any longer, lying to everyone was too painful. We went together to the hospital, had the condition revalidated and the journey to the real me commenced.
Over the next two years, I gave up my male identity, underwent a social transition, undid some of the damage from the testosterone, and even underwent surgery to remove the male components.
I decided it was time to return to work, I had needed some time off as the procedures were traumatic and the recovery was lengthy. I reached out to my network, explained my medical condition, my journey, and, as before, I awaited the job offers.
Nothing came. At times, not even an acknowledgment. I had previously been awash with opportunities but now, I was untouchable.
During this period of correction, I had lost my immediate family. They obviously knew about my identity, but the shame of having a ‘trans intersex daughter’ and not a successful son was clearly too much for their conservative thinking attitude. Whilst confusing and traumatic, I knew everything was going to be okay. After all, a leopard always shows its spots, my life was going to be more difficult now and I did not need them judging me.
Luckily, I had my wife and daughter there to support me. Most intersex people cannot have kids. My condition, mosaicism, or Mixed Gonadal Dysgenesis had dealt a kind hand. Although my reproductive anatomy was restricted, I was able, in limited quantity, to produce a child.
Since becoming myself, finding work has to all intents and purposes been impossible. I have seen salaries cut by 25% when they get to talk to me, I have been told outright ‘No, you’re too much of a liability’, I have been called unusual.
I have had men in interviews peacocking and trying to ‘outman’ me. I have been asked if my genitalia will mean that I need time off, if my moods were confusing, if I had lost the ability to manage difficult situations now I was out as a female. And this is just the beginning of the list.
Living as an intersex female is strange, I am not seen as male or female by most. I am not transgender, yet I had to transition, both medically and socially. My career is judged as unreal and my CV as full of lies. People hardly ever believe a woman could ever achieve what I have, I am not allowed to fit in anywhere.
Being discriminated against because of my medical condition makes no sense to me. I might be an extreme example of what is considered different by society, but I am still human.
Have you faced discrimination in the workplace because of your gender identity?
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