Speak Out Story: There is hope after workplace harassment.

*beep* *beep* *beep*

My alarm goes off. 

As I come to, I am overcome by a wave of dread. Another day to face. Can I pull myself together today?

I have been struggling to make myself go to work lately. The thought of walking through the office doors, up the stairs and across the open plan floor to my desk fills me with panic and fear. 

What are they going to say to me today? 

I pull myself out of bed and make it to the shower. I begin to dress in my office clothes and feel the lump in the back of my throat rise to my eyes as silent tears overflow. 

I cannot. Not now. I must make it in today. I cannot break down. I must go in. I cannot quit, not like this. Where else would I go? Moving jobs twice in one year? My career would be over. My boss knows everybody in the industry, even in the city. It will be the end of me. 

I muster the strength to get dressed and make it to my car. Playing loud music distracts me. The drive is, scarily, a blur and I make it to the carpark. 

I find the inner courage to mask myself entirely. Like zipping on an ill-fitting catsuit, I forcefully pack myself away. I push my emotions, my thoughts and my values down into the back of my mind and I trap them there. Wearing a false smile, I walk in and take my place at my desk. 

Opening my inbox, I see hundreds of emails needing my attention. There is a few in there from the MD. Why doesn’t he say hello when he writes? He starts every email with ‘I need ...’. Surely my manager has told him by now. I told my manager about all the comments, the jokes, the picture shared of me, the sexualisation and the degradation from other colleagues. I am certain, he has spoken to the MD about it. Why has nothing happened… still?!  Why are they not acknowledging it at all? That was the third time I had mentioned it. It is like they do not care. I am going above and beyond for them, doing so much more than my job entails and they do not have my back at all. Why do I bother?

As I sit, I lose all motivation to spend a single minute more in this office. Without thinking, but aware on some sub-conscious level that I will not ever return, I discreetly put the personal items that I want into my handbag. I feel physically sick to my stomach at the thought of staying, so I stand up and walk out. 

I keep walking. There is a small woodland area that I visit on lunch breaks and I head there. I feel sick. I feel something rising through my body, it is like panic, but not panic. It is excitement. As I walk, this feeling builds, then it turns sour. I sit on the wet earth and start to cry. I cry for all the times they made me feel small, all the times that they sexualised me, objectified me, embarrassed me and especially, the fact that they ignored me when I had gone to them for help. 

Hyperventilating and sobbing, an inner strength rose that I did not know I had. 

The clearest thought entered my mind and I heard myself say out loud, “I’m not going back.”

I started repeating it to myself over and over, like a mantra. “I’m not going back, I’m not going back, I’m not going back, I’m done with this s**t, I don’t deserve this s**t, f**k them, I’m not going back!”

Suddenly I was smiling! Overjoyed! I had set myself free! I am NOT, EVER GOING BACK!

I never went back. I never looked back, and I have never, not once, regretted leaving. I put myself first and stood up for myself and in doing so, stood up for all the women who cannot or who feel like they cannot. 

After leaving, my mental health improved tenfold. I feel like myself again, but I am stronger than I have ever been before. I am now building a new career, one that I like and only work with people who respect me and that I like.

There is hope after workplace harassment.