Speak Out Story: Feelings of being forced to take ill health retirement!
In June 2009, at the age of 33 and a single parent of three young children, I joined Lothian and Borders Police as a Police Constable. L & B was one of eight police forces within Scotland, independent of each other. On 1st April 2013, all eight police forces joined together and became Police Scotland.
Throughout my career I was a competent and dedicated officer with strong ambitions and believed it to be my future. I was passionate about obtaining justice for the vulnerable and protecting others from harm. I truly loved my job.
In 2016 I successfully completed a firearms course; it was extremely liberating, and I was proud to have achieved success in such a difficult area. I became an authorized firearms officer based in Edinburgh. At that time only 3% of firearms officers were female.
I rode the wave of accomplishment and pride for what seemed like forever, my confidence and commitment to the job was evident and I was held in high regard. I was enthusiastic, driven, joyful and fulfilled. I believe these character traits positively influenced others around me. I built what I believed to have been strong relationships with fellow officers; the camaraderie gave me an overwhelming sense of acceptance and belonging. My trust in Police Scotland and that of my colleagues was unquestionable.
Unfortunately, this love for life and the enjoyment I got from my career changed. From May 2017, I experienced misogyny, discrimination, bullying and harassment from senior male and female officers. Although I had once been a very confident and strong female, I found out that over a period of a few months, this had started to dissipate. Unlike any other division or career that I had experienced, I found the Firearms division to be extremely archaic, shrouded in secrecy and controlling.
There are many examples of harassment and poor behaviour that I have had to endure. The following examples are just some of the incidents that compounded my mental health following my allegations of sex discrimination.
The catalyst to submitting my grievance started in January 2018, I received an email from my Temporary Inspector forbidding me from working with another female officer, and his reason for this was due to our physical capabilities and to balance out testosterone. The email was not only offensive, discriminatory and a misuse of his authority, but it was the cherry on top for me. In less than a year I had been victimised by this man and others beyond comprehension, I was even accused of gross misconduct by another temporary Inspector, he accused me of throwing my utility belt which had a loaded gun on it, this never happened.
The harassment came in various ways. On submitting my grievance, I had very little knowledge or understanding of the procedure, my attention lay elsewhere mainly in the fear of submitting one as I knew this had destroyed other officers’ careers or held them back from promotion. Even though I was scared I knew deep down that to have done nothing would have made me a hypocrite of policing and complicit in their behaviour. I just wanted the behaviour to stop. This lack of knowledge was extremely damaging and detrimental to me in the events that followed, and my biggest regret was the unquestionable belief and trust I had in Police Scotland to do the right thing.
On receiving the discriminatory email, I confronted the perpetrator while on duty; he was unrepentant in his response. During the discussion I challenged his direct order and his opinion of women; he threatened to remove my firearms implying I was emotional and not stable enough to carry out the duties of a firearms officer rationally. The language and tone used was defensive and threatening. In that moment he attempted to use his authority against me. I instantaneously felt vulnerable and shamed.
Management ultimately removed my firearms license out of concern for my mental health after submitting the grievance and sent me to another police station; this isolated me from my team who had been fully supportive. I was angry and frustrated at being labelled as mentally unstable, I felt shamed for speaking out. Management had overtly responded less favourably towards me, it felt like a punishment under the guise of wellbeing. Meanwhile, my perpetrator remained in post. He oversaw numerous firearms officers with the responsibility of risk assessing potential life and death situations. My grievance is, I had reported sex discrimination along with three other complaints of bullying and victimisation by him and others yet, I was the only one affected. I felt intimidated and disrespected.
Soon after my complaint my perpetrators were promoted to substantive Inspectors. My colleagues, who had once been very supported and encouraging, abandoned me. I felt betrayed. These officers started to express their disapproval sighting me as a drama queen and that I had taken it too far. I believe management’s response to nurture bad behaviour left these officers feeling threatened and in fear of reprisals; the result was self-preservation and victim blaming. What I found concerning was the perpetrator appeared to have been absolved of any wrongdoing and I was victim blamed.
I was devastated, I felt alone and when I went home would be inconsolable with grief. I had no choice; I left the job I loved. Being in an environment where I felt unwanted and suppressed was causing me to become extremely unhappy. I felt fearful of my colleagues whose integrity, values and ethics I now questioned; I was no longer a jovial or confident individual. My character and personality was changing, I felt in a state of chaos and confusion. I felt unsupported and discarded.
During these extremely testing times my mental health started to deteriorate significantly. I started to feel danger and was defensive, my rational mind became clouded and I questioned my ability to trust people. I became volatile and angry at home, breaking down regularly. I would sit in front of the TV watching anything and everything yet taking nothing in. I started to forget and black out. At times I had no concept of who I was and shut down, this resulted in one of the darkest periods of my life.
The immoral and inhumane behaviours I experienced were from the people who I believed would have supported me, management, the police federation, HR and all the staff in-between. It literally was me against a whole organisation. There was no fairness, integrity or honesty provided at a time of great vulnerability and ill health instead I was manipulated and taken advantage off. I could not grasp the disloyalty I was experiencing.
At the end of 2019 I became severally unwell and had fleeting thoughts of suicide, these feelings when present were not of fear but warm and welcoming which looking back scares me immensely. Clarity was absent. I would find myself in negative thought cycles which brought feelings of dread and shame; my body would instantaneously feel pain and physical sickness. These continuous thoughts brought such intense grief and anxiety daily that I could no longer comprehend what life was like before this had happened.
During intermittent periods of calm, I found the strength to conduct Freedom of Information requests and found a wealth of evidence that supported my claims of harassment and victimisation. I realised my silence and lack of speaking out was not only harming me but it was supporting Police Scotland’s attempts to suppress my allegations.
Due to the deterioration of my mental health with the support of my lawyer I applied for Il Health Retirement (IHR). I found the process to be extremely difficult and shrouded in secrecy. I was obstructed from obtaining standard operating procedures (SOP) and misled throughout. My emails for clarification or requests for updates on progress were ignored or delayed for weeks. I was treated with intolerance and prejudice. Human Resources (HR) had all the relevant information from October 2019, yet my IHR was not concluded until April 2020.
The freedom of information (FOI) request confirmed my application was in fact delayed due to my ongoing employment tribunal. Something Police Scotland strongly refuted at the time.
My pay had been stopped and Police Scotland refused to reinstate it claiming my absence was the result of me failing to accept the outcome of their grievance procedure. The division had basically investigated themselves and concluded that it had been resolved. Failing to support me and to reinstate my pay was unjustified as I had escalated the complaint to an employment tribunal and the medical evidence, they had proved my mental health conditions were a result of the behaviour and discrimination I had experienced.
I was in an extremely vulnerable and in a financially difficult situation; I felt Police Scotland took advantage and misused their power and authority. They used every excuse possible to prevent and delay my IHR, I had no recourse. There was no independent body to oversee or regulate the process and when I complained to senior staff it fell on deaf ears. I felt their response was based on preconceived opinions and unchallenged judgment, they had tunnel vision and failed to investigate or enquire into truth and fact. I felt this behaviour was intentional as any success in obtaining IHR would adversely affect the employment tribunal.
I experienced similar behaviour when I applied for an Injury of Duty award (IOD). I applied for the award in March 2020 and to this day, it has not been assessed. This award as with the IHR has the potential to influence my employment tribunal which is due to start later this year (2021). I believed the same unjustified treatment was being used to delay and obstruct. I asked for a copy of the final application which had been sent onto an SMP (Doctor employed by Scottish Police Authority to assess IHR and IOD awards) this was denied. HR stated that I would see it on conclusion of the process.
I felt it was imperative that I saw this document and through the FOI request I found further evidence of underhand tactics used by Police Scotland to delay the process, mislead, and influence the SMP. HR had shared court documents relating to the employment tribunal with a senior male officer and one of my perpetrators. He was given a list of the complaints known as pleading diets and asked to comment on them which were then included in my application for IOD. His responses were inaccurate, biased and victim shaming. This document was included in my application and forwarded onto the SMP. This Doctor will ultimately decide on my IOD award. When that will be, I do not know.
The Police Scotland did not only breach data protection legislation, but they also requested my perpetrator to be judge and jury on a document intended to be argued out in a court of law with witnesses. Police Scotland still has power, influence and control over me. I am in litigation with them yet the decision on an IOD award primarily lies with them, this I believe to be highly irregular and unfair.
I have complained to the Chief Constable, the Scottish Police authority (SPA) and Police investigation & review commissioner (PIRC) without success, they say they have no jurisdiction and direct me in circles. I therefore felt compelled to complain to my local MSPs and contacted the first minister, all in the hope of resolution and closure. I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness; anger; and frustration at the lack of regulation and accountability. I especially feel a sense of injustice and betrayal at Police Scotland whose primary job is to protect and serve the public. They have gone to great lengths to prevent me obtaining Justice or awards which would support my recovery from the devastation and trauma experienced in reporting sex discrimination.
When the eight forces became one in April 2013 all fairness and integrity appear to have ended as there are no independent bodies willing to take responsibility and oversee injustice.
Although I have lived in fear of speaking out for a long time, on realising my silence supported Police Scotland and was costing me thousands in extra legal fees it gave me the courage and strength to speak out.
I went public in November 2020 and now share my journey with the world. My hope is to educate and bring awareness to inequality, social injustice and the abuse of power and authority within Police Scotland. I did not have a choice it was a duty, one I take great pride in. My health has improved and know that the depression I experienced was directly related to feeling inhibited, being unable to talk about my situation with others. I have found many other women in the same situation and through talking and sharing, I truly believe equality for women can be achieved, we just need more of us to do it.
To find out more or to support me on my journey please visit my Facebook page where I share my experiences and past/future court appearances. I feel bringing the unknown into the light will help and support others. I only ask that you like, share and comment where relevant and if possible. I have also set up a go fund me page to help with the legal costs. Although there are laws in support of women seeking justice, they are unobtainable without funding.
Rhona X
